Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
