He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
