I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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