I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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