Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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