I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
