I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The air was thick with penises
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
