so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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