Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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