I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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