i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
