I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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