On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
