I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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