im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
