I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
