dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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