I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
