Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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