the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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