he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
