I just saw a hot homeless man
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
