hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
