Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
