ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
