just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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