I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
