boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
