I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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