Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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