After last night, I could never be a politician.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
