I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
