someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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