I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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