i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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