someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Randomize
