my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
