I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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