i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your cock deserves a montage
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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