ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
