The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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