I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
