I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
