I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
