He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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