He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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