i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just cropdusted the office
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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