Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
