so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
