Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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