everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
