I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
